WISDOM OF GIFT-GIVING

I recently read in People magazine that Scarlett Johansson gave boyfriend Ryan Reynolds a rather unique, albeit personal, gift for his 31th birthday: one of her wisdom teeth, dipped in gold and fastened to a gold chain so he can wear it around his neck.

Hmmm... How does one lose touch with reality, to the point it seems plausibe to give a loved one a piece of jewelry fashioned from a forceably-extracted body part? And what's next... Swarovski-encrusted nail clippings or platinum-covered kidney stones?

Guh-ross.

This instance of gift-giving lunacy segues right into the real heart of my blog, though: the holiday season. That meants it's time to start my seasonal rant. Bleh... Phooey... Bah-humbug. Frankly, feeling this way year after year is the only holiday tradition I consistently observe!

People are always surprised that I (with my Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm outlook on life) don't enjoy the holidays. But I really think it's a lot of rigmarole and essentially a giant hoax, perpetrated against hapless consumers with a lemming-like penchant for following the herd. Uh-huh, I'm one of them, too. I mean, how do you break away from the pack and stop the insane obligatory giving?

Now, before I get all het up and morph into a full-on Ebenezer, let me say I'm not cheap. Not stingy or parsimonious. Really. I have nothing against giving; in fact, I consider myself both generous of means and spirit. (I know, I know... there are three things everyone thinks about themselves: that they're not cheap, that they are creative, and that they have a great sense of humor. It just happens that in my case, it's all true... haha!) But seriously, back to the subject of generosity: Don't you agree that conforming to ritualistic giving defeats the very sentiment that lies in the heart of giving?

Like I mentioned, I get on this tare at about this same time every year. Chalk it up to frustration over having to forego the comfortable trappings of everyday life to sprint from store to store, just to ensure everyone on my Christmas list receives a suitably-priced trinket "because someone says we're supposed to".

I read recently that the average consumer will spend $923 on holiday shopping this year. And forecasters label this a "conservative" estimate, due to overall economic factors like the high cost of fuel. Doesn't that seem a little bit silly, dropping a grand just so you can walk in with a heap of shiny packages on the 359th day of the year? Since I'm a chronic last-minute buyer, I feel fortunate to be in a little better financial shape this year and that I won't have to rely on credit cards to fund the frenzy... but many of us will. 923 smackers? Wow, I'm really stuck on that figure... My first car didn't cost that much! (Ok, I just re-read that sentence, and now I sound not only really grouchy, but also really old!)

To those of you on my Xmas list, I apologize for this little tirade. I do pride myself on being a "thoughtful" gifter (thoughtful in the sense that I put a lot of sincerity into planning gift ideas and a lot of effort into the presentation; "guilding the lily" with gift-wrap is the really fun part... no cheesy pre-made bows or frosted Scotch tape!) And in all honestly, I truly do enjoy watching your eyes light up when you tear back the paper to reveal the present inside. But don't be surprised if, this year, your gift is a few centimeters long with a gleaming gold exterior. You guessed it... I'm going to look for a few relics that the Tooth Fairy may have left behind. (Mom, if you still have any of my baby teeth, please FedEx them right away!) And if I'm feeling artsy, I may even apply a little gold-leaf so I can score extra points for giving a hand-made gift. Oh, yes, I think this is the perfect plan for beating the over-commercialized HoHoHo'ers at their own game.

Hey, thanks, Scarlett! Maybe there's a bit of "wisdom" in your tasteless gift, afterall... Plus, I'll be about nine-hundred bucks ahead, so I can spend it on all of you when you least expect it. And in my estimation, that's really what true giving is all about.

PS: Has anyone seen the Sam's Club "2007 Gifts" catalog? There's a 12.25-carat diamond ring in there... for a mere $347,000. I rest my case.