BACKSTREET'S BACK, ALRIGHT

"Omigod, we're back again... brothers, sisters, everybody sing"... Oh, yes, they are back and this time, the Backstreet Boys demand wheatgrass. To answer the next question in the song, Trace Adkins would definitely affirm that the Backstreet Boys are indeed "original". Yea-ahhh.

If you missed the last episode of Celebrity Apprentice, you missed one of the truly golden moments of reality TV. In the final showdown and two-hour finale this week, Piers and Trace will square off in a charity auction / concert. And when Trace, who's in charge of the entertainment, met with the BSBs to discuss their greenroom requests, his facial expression pretty much summed it up: total disbelief that the "Backstreet Old Guys" (as he dubbed them) would make such an absurd request as wheatgrass, amid a lengthy list of other demands. Trace was respectful to the BSBs in the moment, saying "I've never heard of it"and "I'm happy for ya, brother... I'm glad you found something that works for ya." But later in a confessional aside, Trace was more honest: "What? Are you punkin' me, man?? Is this a joke... Really?" Thank goodness it's not far from my couch to the floor, or I could've injured myself... this is the kind of reality nugget that keeps me hanging on all season! Check out the clip here: "Talkin' to the Backstreet Boys is time out of my life that I'll never get back... talkin' about wheatgrass juice..."

I'm the first to admit that I still like BSB. There, I've said it. I think their songs still hold up better than most from the boy band era. And I'm sure The Donald instructed them to soup it up a little and make the task more challenging for Trace... or I'd like to think so. If not, they made total boobs out of themselves for nothing. And that's no way to squirm your way back into America's hearts, BSOGs. A teaser-for tomorrow's ep showed that one of the boys goes into a tizzy over forgetting his black nail polish. Huh? Show me the meaning of being lame-o.

So the countdown is officially on... just 24 hours to go until the Celebrity Apprentice finale! I'm pumped! But am also a little worried. I'm supposed to be getting my hair extensions tomorrow night, so I can only hope that the process goes quickly and my long-haired butt (uh, not literally, of course!) is at home on the couch in time to catch the whole spectacle. If not, I'll have to fake an excuse... "I left something turned on at home" might work!

Go, Trace!

AH, THE WONDER OF IT ALL

How does one pass the time on a four-hour car ride to Hot Springs? Well, by making up songs, of course. I got the inspiration for this one while listening to "Wonderwall", the 1995 hit from Oasis. Suddenly, it struck me that I should rename it to reflect my feelings about the torture chamber we call the brassiere.

I give you... [drumroll, please]...

"Wonderbra".

Today is gonna be the day

That I'm gonna go shop for you

By now I've psyched myself out

Found a cup size I think will do

I don't believe that anybody

Sags the way I do, without you now

Bad news, thought I was double-D

But the measurements I took were whack

I need Tim Gunn's expertise

And Victoria's Secret for my rack

I don't believe that anybody

Droops the way I do, without you now

My sportsbra's 18-hour strap's unwinding

And all the hooks that hold me in are binding

There are many things that I would

Like to say to you But I can't breathe now

'Cause maybe

You're gonna be the one that shapes me

After all You're my Wonderbra

Today was gonna be the day

That I would find the perfect fit

But one boob's a triple D

And the other is a B-plus tit

I don't believe that anybody

Makes a freakin' sling To fit me now

And all the wires within these cups are binding

And as the high-beams light my way, they're blinding

There are many bras that I would like to burn for you

So I don't have one now

I said maybe

You're gonna be the one that chafes me

But after all You're my Wonderbra

I said maybe

You're gonna be the one that chafes me

But after all You're my Wonderbra

Said maybe

You're gonna be the one that chafes me

You're gonna be the one that chafes me

You're gonna be the one that chafes me

A FACE TO GO WITH THE NAME

For those who have wondered (and those who haven't)... Guess who.
Yes, it's the face of evil.

MARY POPPINS IS PISSED!

Well, I gotta tell you... Mary Poppins ain't dancing on rooftops or taking carousel rides through the countryside today. Uh-uh. That's 'cause Mary is 15 kinds of PO'd.

Getting this fired up is pretty out of character for me-- hence the comparisons people make between me and the irrepressible nanny. I normally take things in stride. Heck, I wasn't this flabbergasted when my ex-husband got his egg on with a coworker. I guess it's a good thing he decided to mess with another woman instead of my Ebay rating. One's Ebay rating is pretty serious stuff...

So let me start from the beginning. Brittnee turned me on to this awesome Giorgio Armani foundation and was kind enough to bring me a sample back from Neiman-Marcus in Dallas so I could ensure a match to my skintone. It's exclusive to certain stores, though, and can't be purchased anywhere in the state of Arkansas; so being the card-carrying redneck that I so proudly am, ol' Mary Poppins here decided to buy it on Ebay. Fast. Convenient. And cheaper than the $55 per fluid ounce price on the Armani website. So far, so good. I always have great luck on Ebay.

With eager anticipation, I checked every evening to see if my little miracle-bottle had arrived. A week passed. But that's ok, it mailed from Throop, Pennsylvania. 10 days. I'm starting to get a little concerned... I mean, I usually get any purchase within this length of time. 11... 12... and on day 13, it arrives! So it's exactly what I expected (plus I saved an Andrew Jackson), so other than the delivery-time, I'm thrilled. And like a good little Ebayer, I log on to leave feedback for Diva Cosmetics and I give Diva a positive score. I also leave the following comment: "Delivery not prompt, but pleased w/ item... Good value. Will buy again! Thanks!!" I thought that was the end of an overall favorable transaction. It never dawned on me that Diva would use the "delivery not prompt" part as a reason to crucify me.

So a week and a half goes by before I log into Ebay again, and I notice something I've never seen before. The little feedback icon on the listing looks a little different than it ever has. It has a " - " in it. So I click on over to see what Diva has to say... And lo and behold, it's my first negative feedback! What? Me? Mary Poppins?? With a besmirched feedback rating??? It just can't be. Ebayers live and die by their feedback scores! And to add insult to this grave injury, Diva wrote "Paid 2/7. Shipped 2/8. What more do you want?Unrealistic Buyer! Sellers Beware!!" Ya'll, my heart just stopped. As I stared in disbelief at the monitor, I thought Ashton Kutcher was going to jump out from behind it and yell "Ahhh... You've been Punk'd!" But there was no Ashton. Only Mary Poppins, whose happy little umbrella just bit the asphalt. 0 to 60 in less than four seconds. Thud.

I'm now a 99.1% on feedback.

So I fire off a quick message to my Ebay sensei, Mark, to explain the situation and ask, "If I send a strongly worded message to the seller, will I get in trouble?" I was hot, but didn't want to place my newly-lowered standing in further jeopardy. He was the voice of reason, though, which is just what I needed in that moment. My whole problem was that I knew exactly what I wanted to say; in my mind, I had already composed an artfully-worded message telling the Diva herself (who at this point, I've determined is very aptly named) that her petty retaliation is mighty unseemly behavior for a PowerSeller... and that I wish her "legions of terrible customers like me who 'Buy It Now', pay immediately upon clicking the 'Buy' button, then leave her positive feedback." What's negative about that, for crying out loud? Isn't that what every seller wants? After all, I didn't blame her for being slow to ship, I said "delivery not prompt". Plus I said I would buy from Divacos again (which at the time was true)... so how bad could it have been?

See, this whole feedback/reputation thing is of the utmost importance to me. Ebay was genius in setting it up that way... it keeps people honest because it's personal. Very personal. Under Ebay's own bylaws, feedback is to be honest, fair and factual. Ergo, my Ebay score is proof that I'm a good person. I could have used that as a defense the next time I'm pulled over for speeding... "Oh, but officer, my Ebay feedback is 100%... there must be a misunderstanding." I might have had it chiseled as an epitaph on my tombstone... "Julie Mannon: 100% Feedback from all Ebay buyers and sellers". I believe the Lord probably had it written next to my name in the Book of Life. But now it's in strikethrough font. Only kidding. But a good feedback score builds good karma. See, to build good karma, there are four things you always-always do in life:

• Tip your waitstaff generously.
• Hold the elevator door for others.
• Salute the flag.
• And at all costs, you make nice on Ebay.

That fourth one should be mandatory curriculum in kindergarten, along with sharing, washing your hands and saying "please" and "thank you".

So where we are now is that I filed a request for feedback withdrawal and/or reversal to a neutral rating. And Ebay has responded, saying that they don't do that. I understand, they get a lot of cranks who take this stuff way too seriously (uh, present company excluded). So Mary Poppins has to suck it up and live with 99.1% for now. Look at me... do I look like I'm nine-tenths of a percent shy of being a worthy citizen? Don't answer that... I don't really want to know the answer. But I do thank you for letting me vent.

I'll be over this little tiff before you can say "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious". I'm not capable of keeping up this kind of angst for long. But I guess it just goes to show that even Mary Poppins can get blown around by the winds of fate once in a while. And Diva, if you're out there... Lightning wants to come stay at your crib for a while (you may recall from my previous posts that dog-boarding is infinitely more torturous than waterboarding.) Here's a-wishing a little of both on Diva Cosmetics (AKA: "Divacos"). ha! If you're contemplating a purchase, I highly recommend the Armani foundation... but pony up the extra $20 and buy it at giorgioarmanibeauty.com. Nobody likes a Diva. Or a cheapskate... Lesson learned here.

Round 2: You'll get a kick out of this... I messaged Diva to ask if she would be willing to "mutually withdraw" our feedback on this transaction. And despite the fact that my "negative" score is much worse than her "positive", even with my casual comment about delivery-time, I thought it was a reasonable suggestion. I mean, she'd gotten worked up enough to nail me, so it seemed like a win-win for both of us. Apparently, la Diva is not prone to acts of reason, however. I should have known. She not only messaged back to tell me "Absolutely not!", she proceeded to tell me that I need to learn the definitions of slander and libel (poor Diva doesn't realize they aren't applicable to this situation; but how can you expect someone to know the ins and outs of the law, when she's sooo busy manipulating and intimidating hapless Ebayers?) Anyhoo... she actually said her attorney "would be glad to explain it to me... in court", because she has forwarded my comment, message and IP address to him. ha! And I thought I took my feedback seriously! It was just the perfect example to show me how petty I was betting, getting all het up over nine-tenths of a percentage point. Suing someone for leaving positive feedback... Is that a hoot, or what? I thought I might laugh until I cried-- but that would streak my fabulous Armani makeup! And even if Mary Poppins doesn't act like a Diva, she'll die tryin' to look like one!

IN KEEPING WITH THE MAGNET METAPHOR...

Dear World,

This is pretty much the view from where I sit.

Yours in perpetual annoyance and dismay over the powers of attraction,

Julie

THIS IMAGE IS A METAPHOR FOR MY LIFE

I have a lot more to say on this topic... Volumes, in fact. The photo is just a teaser. Replace the paperclips with the oddities of all mankind, and you have me in a nutshell.

If you know me like I think you know me, you know that I think that whole crock of hooey called "The Secret" is just a lot of bunk. There's no way I could possibly be beckoning for the universe to send me a relentless throng of freaks, geeks, kooks, bores and wannabe-comedians... Is the world really in that desperate a need for a friendly face?

Oops, I almost forgot. This month I'm supposed to "make it work". Dang.