POLITICALLY CORRECT KITTY COLLARS

Well, I stopped in at Petco tonight, because Smidgey's starting to outgrow his collar and it's time for a new one. This is my first time to parent a quasi-outdoor cat, and I'm still kinda worried he'll go out one day and never come back-- so I'm really over-the-top-careful about his collar.

I'm forever polishing the tag and making sure the phone number is legible in case the unthinkable happens; I want the person who finds him to ring me as soon as they can stem the bleeding of their hands and forearms, hopefully before I even have a chance to realize he's missing. So of course collar-shopping was a major decision: I needed something safe and comfortable for him, and of course it had to coordinate with his eyes and coloring [I wish I was lyin'... ] And when I finally found one in the right size, and that I liked, I flipped it over to read the back of the package. And that's when I saw the lamest selling-point ever (and keep in mind, I work in Advertising so lame selling-points are my milieu... I mean, I've pretty much written-- er, seen-- it all):

"Removable bell attached for the safety of the local bird population".

Yo... Seriously???

Have we become so unfreakingbelievably PC these days, that it's now incumbent upon us to right the cruel injustices that exist within the food chain? Like our creator, in His infinite wisdom, didn't consider the delicate balance of nature and the universe? And I might disrupt the harmony of the animal kingdom if I act irresponsibly, buying an un-belled collar, and my cat maims a bird?

Give me a buh-reak.

Long story short, I bought the absurdly socially-responsible collar because it met all of the cute/comfortable/colorful criteria (read: "it looks good"). But I would've actually appreciated a brazenly truthful statement on the packaging, such as:

"Removable bell attached because it's simply adorable".

Or more appropriate in this case, "Removable bell attached because humankind needs a warning: This little JD will rip your shins to shreds".

PS-- I also bought a package of four glow-in-the-dark balls with bells in them, and they don't even glow. Buzzkill. I have to say it was kind of a lousy night for belled petcare accoutrements. I turned off every light, lamp and nightlight in the house to find this out. Thank goodness I bought the collar with the bell, or else the little sprite could've done me some seeeerious damage.

BLOGGING: THE DAILY PULPIT OF LIFE'S MINUTIA (WELL, EXCEPT THAT I'M TOO DARN LAZY TO ACTUALLY BLOG DAILY)

Ok, so we're nearing the end of 2008 and I'm shuffling back through my memories of the year... and I suddenly realized I'm so glad to have this blog to chronicle the past year's events. I don't really use this as a forum to communicate with others, but more for myself, and it's fun to go back and see what was going on at any given time of the year. Not that anything really noteworthy has happened to me in the prior 365 days, but for whatever reason, I like reviewing the minutia of my life.

And then the thunderbolt: My entries carry the same themes over and over. Now, I was somewhat aware of this because Mikey G had pointed out to me, some months ago, that most of my posts revolve around cats and feet. But I would assert that there are, in fact, a few additional categories:

-The plethora of weirdos that I inevitably attract

-Crappy stuff that's sold on TV

-Cars and automotive mishaps

-Pumpkins

-Poop (remember... it's always funny)

-Music

-Weight and appearance neuroses

-Work

-My various gaffes and public embarrassments

-Ebay

I think it's kind of funny that all of my interests and activities seem to converge in these very distinct areas. I'm looking forward to '09 to see if the trend continues! If so, that means the future is fairly predictable for me: I'll go to work selling cars and have a mishap on the lot when I attract a mob of angry, pumpkin-growing eccentrics who bowl their vegetation at me, severing one of my feet so that I have no choice but to buy a tube of Mighty Mend-It to re-attach the missing limb. The Mighty Mend-It will carry an unfortunate side effect that Billy Mays failed to warn us about: severe loss of bowel control. I'll need lots and lots of Sham-Wows. Embarrassment over this malady will prompt me to live the life of a social recluse, selling off my vast TimeLife 70's CD collection and Burt Sugarman's Midnight Special DVDs (and all the other crap I've bought from those ever-compelling late-night TV ads) on Ebay to support myself and my benevolent feline work... that is, if I can get my car retro-fitted with special pedals to get me to Fayetteville under dark cover of night. And, of course, I'll need to be able to feed my cats at home. Because I'll be adopting three more. Ironically, I'll become a maimed, agoraphobic, redneck version of the old woman who lived in the shoe-- but sans-kids. I'll stick with the cats. They enjoy reading my blog.

AT LEAST I KNOW SOMEONE READS MY BLOG...

My most devoted reader is the Smidge. He loves to hop up on the desk and watch the screen while I type... he does the same with the tv, sometimes staring at it for half an hour at a time. Maybe he's just a flat-screen fetishist. But I'm taking it as a compliment, just the same.

We'll call this an even swap for the unholy act he perpetrated on the holiday goodie-basket I brought home from the cabin last week. Wow. I thought something smelled funny when I came in the door this afternoon. And sure enough, he (or someone) seemed to have confused the rather large, empty basket lined with paper shreds as a litterbox in waiting. I've always said these cats can poop at will... and nothing seems to stimulate them like a pristine receptacle.

See, my mother had made this wonderful goodie basket for me and had it waiting in my room when I got to the cabin for Christmas. It was full of all kinds of treats (Poppycock, pistachios, almond roca, Lindt truffles and the like) for me to nibble on while I was there, lest I become too weakened from hunger to stumble ten feet to the kitchen for a snack. And since I hadn't touched a single bite of the goodies, she sent it home with me. I started in on it a couple days ago, and now the basket has been completely defiled. I'd love to post the photo (oh, yes, I took one!) of this abomination, but it is a little crude. Hysterical, but crude. Even for me. But suffice it to say, the basket's now full of Poopycock.

CONVERTIBLE LIGHT THERAPY

Does anyone else ever feel a little melancholy after the holidays? Kinda blah, like it's all over just a little too quickly?

I know that sounds really strange coming from me, the least Christmas-y person you'll ever meet. But when you're a kid, the anticipation of Christmas fuels you for weeks until you finally get to open all of your presents. You spend a lot of time under the tree... you shake every gift with your name on it... you wonder if what you think is in that box is really in that box... and when you finally do stumble into the living room on Christmas morning to find the loot that Santa left, just for you, it's a pay-off of unequaled proportions in the kid universe. But once you're grown, and the thrill of ripping the paper off mounds of gifts is no longer part of the equation, the fun of Christmas really is only in the anticipation of it and then in watching others open the gifts you carefully selected for them. I think it may be different for parents, but that's how it is for single folks. The anticipation is the best part, and so the actual event doesn't always quite measure up.

So I feel a little nonplussed now that it's over. As I've mentioned, I got uncharacteristically excited about Christmas this year: Decorated my tree early, worked on the office party for weeks, spent a three-day weekend before Christmas on Mt. Magazine with my mom's side of the family, and even made the whole round of holiday visits before December 25. And so by the time the big day arrived, all of my holiday stuff was... well, over. It was nice to have a relaxing day off, but it was perhaps a little anti-climactic.

And here it is, December 26, and I find myself wanting to hang onto it a bit longer. Now, I never take my tree down before New Years anyway; I cling to the twinkle-lights as long as I can do so in good conscience... that part's not any different. But I realized that I still hadn't driven down to the Fayetteville Square to enjoy the Lights of the Ozarks display this year, so I called in a to-go order at Pesto Cafe (yes, the pre-resolution carb-load is in full-swing!) and decided to cruise through our local winter wonderland while I was at it. It seemed like just the extension I needed.

As always, the square was gorgeous. This year, though, something was a little different and I couldn't quite put my finger on it at first. Then I realized it was all the people, strolling around in their shirt sleeves. And in addition to the handsome cabs, Party-Time Ponies was there with a carousel of horse rides for the kiddos. And then I rounded the west side of the square and saw the camels. Brittnee had told me there were camel rides around the square this year, and I saw them with my own two eyes. Suddenly, the Lights of the Ozarks took on a carnival-like feel. I had these trippy flashbacks of little kids on camelback at the Gentry zoo. It was weird. Camel rides, 450,000 lights and Christmas carols. Oh, and to add to the oddity of it all, did I mention it's 70 degrees tonight?

As I drove down Mountain and hung a left onto 71-B, the very strangeness of it pressed on me. I felt compelled to double back and circle the square one more time. And I really wanted to make the next round with the top down on my car-- but that just seemed way too bizarre. And then I got to thinking: camels, Christmas music and a nice "Spring" night in Northwest Arkansas on December 26. Could a drive through the lights in a convertible really be that off-kilter??

I dropped the top and took another spin... I have to say, I enjoyed every second. It was much better with the top down... the lights were brighter, the music more melodic and the swirl of the humid late-December air wafting through the car was most welcomed. In a word, it was closure... ah... exactly what I'd been seeking, following all of the yuletide anticipation.

WE'RE OFFICIALLY TREE-HUGGERS NOW...

Ok, so it may not look like it in the photo, but it really was kinda sad saying goodbye to our little office tree today. Brittnee and I have spent the past six weeks lovingly designing, decorating and re-decorating, tszujing and re-tszujing this verdant little treasure. We've grown pretty attached to it... sniff-sniff... So that "sentimental feeling" they've been warning us about for years in Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree? Let's just say that the carol doesn't lie.

We started this love affair on November 13 and have pretty much spent every single day obsessing about the look of this goofy tree. Being in charge of the office party is a job we've taken pretty darn seriously... and since the tree is kind of the symbol for the whole shindig, naturally it took center stage in our minds. (A) You can't have a Christmas party without a tree and (B) The tree needed to reflect the attitude of the party we were planning: Silly. Whimsical. Light-hearted. A contrast to the pressure-filled days most of our staff normally experience, and especially now while our department has just gone through our first ever lay-off. The tree needed to convey that we were planning a fun, laid-back day for everyone. We even grouped the ornaments into sets and gave them away as door prizes, so we felt that they should be extra-special... we don't want to send our office-peeps home with crapola! Plus, we're supposed to be the "creative" ones around here, so our reputations were on the line!

See, this is the first time we've kept our holiday party in-house, so there were a few nay-sayers. I even overheard some employees grousing that it was just going to be a "normal workday" and "they'd just have to be tied to the phones all day, anyway"... so after that, it was on. This was not to be any run-of-the-mill workday. No. We wanted them to be all but assaulted by holiday spirit, complete with all kinds of Steve Carrell Office-esque shenanigans. "Put a seat belt on your office chair, folks... you've never had a day like this in CDP". Well, that's what we were hoping the tree was saying, anyway.

So the day started with breakfast for 150 from Cracker Barrel, progressed to the Tacky Sweater contest mid-morning (hence, Brittnee's attire in the photo!), then named winners for our "group vs. group" mini-tree decorating throw-down, and continued with Christmas songs and door-prizes on the half-hour throughout the day. All in all, we are very pleased with the outcome and hope all the employees enjoyed it half as much as we did! It was our goal to turn everyone into believers. Not that there is a Santa Claus, mind you, but that it is truly possible to turn an on-site office party into a rollicking good time!

But the tree? Well, the tree I'm gonna miss. It smarted a little, dismantling it ornament by ornament today. And though Frosty the Snowman will "be back again someday", our tree-mendous friend will not. It pretty much got picked clean, save a few glittery wisps of willow and some ribbons on top. Oh, well... there's always next year! But who knows? Maybe we'll top the topper!

Merry Christmas, all! And may your office parties not stink! :-)

"WHEN YOU TURN YOUR CAR ON... DOES IT RETURN THE FAVOR?"

After a week and a half, I finally got down to Dallas to pick up the new (well, new to me anyway) Cadillac... Yippee!

This shot was snapped shortly after my inspection of the vehicle (to be sure that I was, in fact, purchasing what I thought I was) and turning in all of my paperwork to finalize the sale-- just before driving it off the lot. Up until this point, I was feeling pretty much the same as I had been in my previous post. Scared. To. Death. But as soon as I slid behind the wheel and hit the "On" button, my trepidations began to fade away. It drives like a dream. I've yet to get anyone else behind the wheel, but I'll keep working on you guys!

I was really, really nervous when I got on I-35 and headed home. Driving an unfamiliar vehicle in DFW... "Somebody, get me out of this traffic... like, quick!" Once the traffic spaced out and I got out of the metroplex a ways, I juiced it a little to see what it would do... frankly, I was still a bit terrified but did get the speed up to 101 mph. That'll probably be about the fastest I'll ever have it, but now I know that it truly is capable of getting on up there with no lag. The XLR is supposed to hit 60 in 5.9 seconds... I hope I never find out!

By the time I got near Tushka, Oklahoma, I finally had my "I love this car" epiphany. It had been a long time coming, so it was quite a relief. Not coincidentally, I had this breakthrough at roughly the same time took my eyes off the Heads-Up Display that projects the speed on the windshield and started really looking at the instrument panel; that's when I realized the speedometer says "BVLGARI". A designer speedometer? Are you kidding me?? This is my car!!! Bwaahahahaha. The only thing that might top that would be if the leather seats were embossed "Coach"!

Wish me luck... this is a majorly humongo purchase for me. I think the Hoopty Wagon may get a bit lonely over the next few weeks. But to answer Kate Walsh's question from the Cadillac commercial, the answer is "Yes! Yes! Yes! Ohhh, Yes!"