"THE GERMANS ALWAYS MAKE GOOD STUFF"

That's according to Vince, the quirky ShamWow pitch man. And this is just a wild guess, but I can assume the Germans had nothing to do with making the ShamWow commercial... it's torturous. Not completely unlike the death camps of Nazi Germany.

And yet, somehow, Vince is oddly captivating. Amusing. Almost likable. Vince is the Anti-Billy Mays. Billy may have Zorbeez, but he doesn't have Vince's charm.

I can practically quote the whole ad, and I bet you can, too. They run this spot in the ground, but I always look up and watch, transfixed, to see if any of the words have been re-edited. Plus, Vince is just so creepy and weird, I can't help but gawk. There's just so much going on in this rinky-dink little ad... it's kind of a "perfect storm" of advertising gone awry. I have many questions, and not one centers around whether the ShamWow really works...

• Why does Vince need the headset? Is it just for show, to subliminally communicate that this is a cutting-edge product, in spite of the cheap-o set and shoddy production-job? Or because mopping up liquids is just too action-packed for a regular clip-on mic? Or is it that the phone lines are blowing up and he's pulling double-duty, taking all those ShamWow orders?

• Is that fast-talking, snake oil-pitching, annoying Jersey accent legit? Or is Vince just playing the role of the streetwise huckster? Honestly, I can't tell if this is a character or the real Vince.

• "You followin' me, camera guy?" Ok, now, you're just harassing the help, Vince... What? You really think you're wiping up that spilled cola so fast that the camera couldn't possibly keep up?? Maybe you need a Sham-Cam mounted on your head, along with that headset.

• Olympic divers use ShamWow... Hmmm, do Olympic divers get wetter than other divers? We'd better get a boatload of ShamWows over to Beijing, stat.

• Did Vince forget to comb his hair before the shoot? Did he mess it up, putting on the headset? Is he frazzled in excitement over this product? Could that be a deliberately-coiffed faux-hawk? Nah... Vince probably just ran a quick ShamWow over his head when he got out of the shower, and it dried that way.

• Does the ShamWow work on cat-puke? My white carpet's starting to look a little rough now, with three pets in the house... and at $19.95, eight ShamWows (if I order within 20 minutes, or four if I wait 21 minutes) are a lot cheaper than calling 1-800-Steemer.

• Made in Germany. Really? Is that a selling point?? It's a cleaning rag-- not a Mercedes-Benz or a cuckoo clock.

• Vince has a googly-eye and therefore comes across like a shifty, shady street-grifter who, despite all attempts to go straight, still can't meet your gaze as he pulls back his trench coat to expose his specially-priced ShamWow stash... Shhh. So is the eye-squint because he feels guilty for shamelessly hawking the ScamWow? Or could it be that the ShamWow corporate benefits plan just doesn't cover vision care?

• Vince, do you really think people spend twenty bucks a month on paper towels? Uh, maybe if your last name is Duggar or Gosselin! We normal folk spend $3.88 for a two-pack of select-a-size Bounty.

• "Beware of ShamWow imitators"... what are they going to do to me? Drive me into a blogging frenzy?

Ya'll, Vince also has a MySpace profile, so he can evangelize about the wondrous powers of his little chamois and meet others who "buy, use and love" their ShamWows. I don't even want to contemplate the messes that result from loving your ShamWow. And not to leave any social-networking stone unturned, you can also find Vince on Facebook, YouTube and Flickr. I kid you not. He actually has 40 MySpace friends, and since I'm so intrigued, let's just make it 41... I sent him a Friend Request. I sure hope he accepts quickly... I mean, to use his line, "we can't do this all day".

I hope that one day Vince and the fringey-looking Progressive Insurance girl, Flo ("Wow... I say it louder!") hook up and have a litter of alien babies that carry on the family tradition and produce bizarre commercials for the next hundred years! Yesss!

Alrighty... climbing down from the soapbox now and taking care not to hurt myself on the way down. But if I do, just mop up the greasy spot with a ShamWow. Vince says it holds "twenty times its weight in liquid", so grab a handful and remember-- you won't even have to press. Just roll me up and wring me out into a Pyrex dish. I guarantee you'll be saying "Wow".

As a side note, in our next installment, we'll talk about Lee and Anne-Marie, the e-Harmony couple who are able to "balance each other out". Mark's nifty decoder ring interprets that to mean that the back of Lee's hand is matched to Anne-Marie's nose "along 29 dimensions of compatibility". Yes, Lee has a little anger-management problem... Why else would he need to be meeting his girlfriends online? Please ponder and be ready to discuss...