ADVENTURES IN CYBER-SALES

Hello again, friends... it's been a while. I've missed all of you and I'm glad to be back a-bloggin'. I want everyone to know that I haven't been totally absent from the virtual world... nay, only from Blogger. I've been engaged in other online pursuits. Get your head out of the gutter... not those kinds of online pursuits. Sheesh.

Yes, Mannonj has been alive and well on Ebay lately. Or as I like to call it now, The Freak Store.

Still focused on the "get out of debt" resolution from New Years, I decided that putting some of my unused stuff up for auction would kill two birds with one stone: Clean out the closets and make a little cash. Make that three birds-- I'm also trying to rebound my feedback score, since that you-know-what, Diva, screwed me over a few months ago. But the part I didn't bargain for was that I would essentially be "moonlighting" on Ebay... I listed about 40 items and it darn-near turned into a part-time job! Now, that's mainly my own doing because I can't just write a simple description of an auction item... kinda like I can't write a short blog-entry. It's the advertiser-slash-literary-wannabe in me.

The other part I didn't bargain for was the freak clientele I would attract. Now, I've sold online before, but on a very limited basis and only to quasi-normal folks. Remember, I'm the redneck who sold a Z-28 on there last year (I still think that selling a Camaro on Ebay is the ultimate punchline to a Foxworthy joke!) But this time, I got a real taste of "the online community". And admittedly, I'm a magnet for all the weirdness in the universe, as you know-- but this is proof that it doesn't have to be in the literal, physical world. No. Apparently, I have the power to attract crazies in the virtual world as well. Good thing I never hit e-Harmony or Match.com... I probably wouldn't be alive to type these words.

Ok, so let me start by telling you about the items I had listed. Most were throwbacks from my going-out days... you know, 5" BCBG heels and metallic Bebe bags. The kind of semi-trashy stuff I no longer wear, now that I'm officially "middle-aged" and behaving accordingly. I didn't realize this kind of item would draw... how do I put this?... a certain kind of "inquisitive buyer". You know, the kind of buyer who doesn't mind sending messages and making some very specific requests.

Now, I could start by telling you about the gal who wondered if I'd model a very standard stiletto-heel/pointed-toe boot with skirts, because she's challenged in the area of putting outfits together. Or I could tell tales of my new uber-polite "bon ami" in France who bought two pair of rhinestone Steve Maddens for his wife and always signed his messages "see you soon". (Am I going to France? Oui? If so, please tell me now, Stephane, so I can be looking forward to it!) Or perhaps I could mention the endless array of inquiries like "I love this purse... does it really look that good in person or is it just photogenic?" But I'm far too anxious to tell you all about Steve.

The first message I got from Steve was to ask if I'd be willing to accept a "well-concealed cash payment or money order" for a pair of red patent Via Spiga heels. Seemed a little odd, but I didn't think much of it. I mean, my listings all say "Paypal required" but you can't blame a guy for trying. Steve went on to explain that he's a cross-dresser, and though he normally wears a men's size 10, he's been known to fit into a women's 9, and he especially "luvs" patent heels. In fact, he called my Via Spigas "yummy" and requested more photos. And even though I wasn't willing to accept alternate forms of payment, I was glad to send more photos. I mean, just because he has a patent shoe fettish doesn't mean he's not a serious buyer. Right? And I can kinda respect, in some sense, that there's no artiface here. Steve is who he is, and he's found a place online to just be up-front about it. So despite Steve's e-mail signature of "Stevi Patent Pump Sissy", I thought "Who am I to judge?" and sent him additional pics. (Note to self: this attitude might be contributing to my little "magnetism" issue...)

But upon receiving my photos, Stevi wrote back to chastise me: "Julie, why did you bother to take the time to send me these pics if you will not allow me to pay you with a money order or cash payment on these yummy shoes, hun? I'd luv to smell these and wear em but you said you only will take that dumb Paypal, right?? -Stevi Shoe Slut"

Wait. Did Stevi just change his name from Sissy to Slut? Moreover, did he just tell me he wants to smell my shoes??? I was speechless. But it gets better.

The very next e-mail in my inbox was another one from Steve. This time, the subject line read, "Like my pumps, Julie?" and it had three photos attached. Now, I gotta tell you... I was afraid to crack those babies open. I had visions of a tucked-in Buffalo Bill type (like from The Silence of the Lambs) but wearing nothing but patent pumps, of course. So I forwarded it on and asked Mark to open it and let me know if it was anything freaky or inappropriate. He took the brave step of opening the photos and promptly messaged back, "It's harmless... but his choice of props is a little odd." I had no idea what that meant, but I was intrigued. So I opened the attachments, and here's what I saw:

Pumpkins and pumps! Funny!! I know, right? And don't you love the extra flair in photo #3?

The e-mail with the pictures simply said, "Hi , Julie. How do I look in my favorite black patent ankle strap pumps? I sure love wearing pantyhose and patent pumps. -Stevi Shoe Slut"

I was feeling pretty timid about getting all-too-chummy with an alleged "shoe slut", so I thought better of e-mailing him back with a complimentary reply. "Nice pumpkins!" did come to mind, but I left it alone.

But Stevi was not one to leave it alone. Nope. He couldn't walk away, no matter how much he "luved" the patent pumps he was walkin' in. Six days later, I opened up my Hotmail and found another e-mail from that familiar address. This time, the subject read "My New Favorites" and again, more photos followed:

This time, the message was sent to several other people (other Ebay acquaintances? I'll never know...) and it said: "Wowy I sure am excited about finding these shoes on Ebay and buying them outright with the buy-it-now option. These are so sexy and feminine, luv the very dainty thin straps. I've always been turned on by T-strap pumps and finally I'am gonna own a sexy pair that I can wear. These are 10 1/2's so they will fit my sexy size 10 feet purr-fectly. I just may decide to go out into public in this yummmmy pair, surely the guys will love the looks of these heels on my sexy hosed feet! And the pretty girlies will all envy Miss Stevi and her sexy new heels! Won't be mailing my payment till Friday the 26th, so won't have the shoes for a couple weeks yet, but sure am anxious to get em......... -Mistress Stevi Patent"

Another new moniker. This guy changes his name as often as he changes his shoes! Maybe whether he's feeling "sissy" or "slutty" depends on the shoes... I mean, who could argue with that?

Either way, Dude is cracking my stuff up! Once again, I didn't have the gumption to e-mail him back, but I have to admit that I wouldn't be sad if he sent more pics. I wonder if he's still dreaming about my red patent Via Spigas... unfortunately for him, another compliant bidder picked them up. And I wonder, if Steve had won them, who all he would've sent photos to. Did I miss out on the photo of the year here? Probably. I'm thinking these shoes would've brought "sexy back", to the point Stevi would be rockin' them on his Christmas card this year...

And ya'll, that's one holiday greeting I'd give all my Ebay earnings to see!

Fa-La-La-La-La... La-La-Ti-Da!!