LATE NIGHT INFOMERCIALS: THE INSOMNIAC'S BFF

Since I'm wired for sound and fully awake well past 1 AM most nights, I see more than my fair share of infomercials. I know them all: Vince the ShamWow pitch man... 120-year old Jack LaLanne and his amazing juicer... Ron "Set It And Forget It" Popeil... Leza Gibbons with her Sheer Cover mineral make-up... Cindy Crawford and Meaningful Beauty with that special enzyme from those ridiculous french cantaloupes... the [fill in the blank] "they" don't want you to know about until whistle-blower Kevin Trudeau saves you from it with his latest book... myriad celebs hawking ProActive Solution... the greasy colon-cleanse guy that looks like John Waters and talks about how long our poop should be... and of course the uber-obnoxious Billy Mayes with ten thousand things he'll be glad to tell you about in his high-pitched carney voice. Yes, these are my late-night companions. We have a clandestine rendezvous most evenings after the rest of the world is fast asleep.

So, you see, it was only a matter of time until Kathy Mitchell used her grandmotherly wiles to charm me into buying the GT Xpress 101.

Now, before I tell you about this little gizmo, a disclaimer: Any medical doctor will tell you that the sleep-deprived suffer from severely impaired judgment. So technically, I'm probably not liable for my actions... But anyway, the GT Xpress arrived a couple days ago (along with the advertised spatula, shaker bottle and book of 101 recipes). And I have to admit I was a little disappointed at first. It smelled kinda funny, and it was really cheap-looking, lightweight and very tiny. For some reason, I thought it would be a big strapping unitasker, to use Alton Brown's word. But nevertheless, I was excited to try it out. And try it out I did.

In seven minutes, I had worked culinary magic: asparagus beef roll-ups. Now, they aren't much to look at... but they were actually pretty darn tasty. And anytime I can get a low-carb meal in under ten minutes, there's a shimmer of hope that I might actually use my kitchen for more than pouring myself a diet coke or a bowl of cereal. In fact, there might be hope for me to get back on track with the dieting. I started (and ended) the MediFast plan last week... it was over in a hot second, so I didn't have time to even blog about it. But suffice it to say, I have a kazillion boxes of MediFast "meals" that will probably end up on Ebay before the weekend is over. And I should probably list my leftover NutriSystem food, too-- which brings me full circle and essentially to the point I'm trying to make here: I buy the useless crap I see on TV.

I'm highly susceptible to gimmicks in the wee hours of the morning. But so far, the GT Xpress 101 is ok in my book. It may go the way of the barely used Jack LaLanne juicer that's sitting on my pantry shelf... or it may end up like Billy Mayes' Samurai Shark in my drawer or his Hercules Hooks in my utility room cabinet... or perhaps it will be as lonely as my collection of The Firm hand weights and DVDs. But so far, I think I have a new favorite, by way of introduction from my late night cronies.

Well, my computer says it's 1:39 AM and you know what that means. Vince, Cindy, Jack, Kevin, Leza and the gang are all waiting for me. And I'm sure I probably need some sublingual B-12 tablets or a Pet-icure device or a Tony Little Gazelle... I just don't know it yet. Better grab my debit card and get to bed now.