ABSURD MOMENT #22

I really don't know what I was thinking when I purchased these. I mean, it's not my most ridiculous purchase ever... The magenta leg warmers with the gold-metallic flecks that I wore over my jeans in 1981 would probably take that prize, but these are right up there.

Now, I'm not sure if you can make them out from the lousy photo, but these are NailSavers. For fourteen bucks at your friendly neighborhood tanning salon, you get eleven protective little stobs for your fingertips. Why eleven, I'm not sure... value-added, I suppose? I could spend the rest of the evening pondering that. Our friend Carrie at work knows someone who was born with two buttholes, and polydactylism is pretty common in cats, so I suppose anything's possible...

Anyway, back to NailSavers. They're these pink rubber jobbies that protect your manicure from UV discoloration in the tanning bed. See, I'm forever trapped in a freaky 1988/2008 limbo... a kind of purgatory between the "Me" decade and present day, where tanning and fake nails are still permissible. And if you've ever combined the two, you know it's a disastrous marriage... of Paul McCartney / Heather Mills proportions. But for the uninitiated (AKA those too classy to wear fake nails and lie in age-accelerating coffins), I'll explain. See, the lights in the tanning bed play havoc with french tips, causing the nails to turn a ghastly yellow hue. And since I don't enjoy going through life looking like I have a 3-pack habit and a motel tan, I decided that finger condoms were the perfect remedy.

While the NailSavers work (so far no tan lines at the knuckle, knock on acryllic-- I mean wood) I feel like an absolute stooge wearing them. I have this paralyzing fear that there will be a natural disaster at the tanning salon... instead of worrying about the rescue teams and bystanders seeing me run out the door, buck naked, I have an irrational concern that they will all be splitting a gut over my sassy-pink finger condoms. Frankly, it's gotten so I can't relax and unwind while bronzing myself anymore. That could also be due to the fact that my fingers continually fall asleep while wearing the things... they're like little vises. It's hard to nap when you have no blood circulating to your apendages.

So tonight as I'm laying there, wondering if the ends of my fingers are still attached below the third knuckle, it hits me: "This is perfect blog fodder. I must save the world from NailSavers!" So there you have it, 80's Ladies... I'll leave it in your capable, un-condomed hands to decide whether this product is right for you.